Nothing is perfect

I am a PERFECTIONIST.

Even there is not perfection in this world but I tried to be near perfect.Everything have to be in order and I'm a sucker for filling things in order.I'm like Monica in 'Friends' or the guy from 'Monk'. I hate messy room, when the floor feels yucky, chairs not aligned to the dining tables, creases on bedsheets, perfumes bottles not lines to my likings..so on and so forth.

My bedroom is a sacred place.Had nice bedsheets with throws and small pillows for decorations and in the evening had the bedside lamp on to give a romantic effect.

When KY wanted to have a nap,I insisted that he have to sleep on the floor.He grumbled a lot and said,"What is the use of having a nice bed when you have to sleep on the floor?" Sorry darling!I just don't like to see the bed messy during daytime.Even then sometimes he just slept on the bed during daytime when I'm out and I would tuck the bed sheet in again after he's done napping.

I tried to be more relax and not bothered with all the mess but I heard voices in my head.So there I go washing the dishes, clearing the tables, picking up crumbs at midnight.

Now that I'm married, my habit still does not change.It gets worst because I kept picking up bits and pieces for KY while he is eating!

And whats up with men and the way they eat?Eat within your horizon..not outside! There's place mat so even if it spill, it will land on the place mat and not the other side of the table?

Now with kids at home,the picking up of cups, plates, bits piece of papers double than before.It agitates me when I see pieces of crumbs lying on the floor, pencils lying here and there.And the other day I found a marker in the toilet sink.I wonder how it got there.I don't know why but I enjoy doing it.

People might thought I am crazy but I'm just being me!

Any other day...

You know what?

It just occurred to me that Allah had granted my wish. I was chatting with Airin the other day.She was asking how I was coping with the kids and all. And suddenly, it came to me that Allah had given me a chance to become a mother even if its not my own flesh and blood.To give me chance how motherhood will fit me if I become one someday ...Insyallah.Although the kids do get on my nerve sometimes but it was a memories that I will cherished forever.

I had pengajian yesterday at Pondok Indah - Doa bulan Safar.Ended after Dzuhur prayer and went to Noreha's house for lunch.By the time I went back home it was already 3 pm. On the way home, I was planning, once home, will do my Asr prayer and chat with my friends before the kids come back from school and maybe slotted some quiet time.Hmm....I didn't get to do the chatting or quiet time.By the time I arrived,they are already home.Sigh.......No 'ME TIME'

Fa called the other day, WJ had to do piles operation.If everything went well, she should be home by Saturday.Not sure if she would do her therapy here or in Singapore.But I'm glad that she able to go through these ordeal.Its difficult time for her and motivations was all she need right now.

KY had no training today so we plan to go out..yipeee! I so much in need to get away from the house before I go bonkers! And this morning, I was AGAIN being reminded to buy board for Ix school project and he wanted a sketch book like his brother.

Beware..Children on the loose!

I couldn't remember when was he last time I had peace and quiet in my own house.WJ was rushed to hospital 2 weeks ago.She had troubled breathing.We received a call from Fa one morning,Ky rushed to their house and looking at her, Ky gave a chest pump.He pumped couple of time when the ambulance finally arrived.

She was admitted to ICU Cinere and was on oxygen for few days before she was finally transported for further treatment and that was how it started.Fa requested for the children to stay over at our house since the house need to be 'cleansed'.

And that is how I had a taste of Motherhood.

To become an instant mum is not a joyride especially with 5 growing kids (from age 12 - 3).Morning was a madhouse here.Its a miracle since the neighbour yet to complained.After 4 of them bundled in a car to school, then I had my morning coffee and it will be peace before 4 pm comes when they return from school.

I have learned to block my ears with all the fighting , the complains and the whining.But sometimes they really test my patience..What do I do? I just locked myself in my room.But 5 mins later I could hear them knocking on the door...'Aunty Ha ...Aunty Ha...what are you doing?I want to come in'

To put them in bed was another hurdle.I didn't know where they get the energy from.They just simply not tired at all.As for me, my energy already drained out from me.The first two eldest frightened to sleep alone, so I had to sleep with them in the room and when I knew they had already fallen asleep, then I would go back to my room.The youngest 2 was easy...at certain time you would able to see their eyes drooping.The girl only sleep when she feels sleepy so I just let her be.

Despite their naughtiness, cheekiness and tantrums each one of them had their own unique ways of expressing themselves.

Another world

Its been a hectic week!

WJ's health had shown slight improvementfor the past 1 week.Her mom came down to Jakarta to nursed her.We had children from the orphanage to read 'Yasin' at home on Friday night.

There's one night that she wont able to sleep and doctor came and giver her Valium.Soon after she kept slapping her right face saying that she couldn't see anything although her eyes were wide open.We kept consoling her that its the effect of Valium.

Few days after that, I noticed that she kept staring ahead.Her eyes were vacant and blank.She was like lost into space.I was quite worried.I ask her if she able to see us.She said her vision is blurry.

On Monday, she was brought to hospital.Fa consulted a neurologist that might able to detect her sickness.She was ok the first two days and after that she had some sort of seizure.Her face was like being pulled to one side and she shouted in pain.One morning while her mom was there it came every 15 mins in the morning.

And the best part, doctors couldn't detect after she had gone through the 3rd MRI.She was admitted to high dependency unit due to the seizures. Finally, a friend of ours came and advices that her sickness was due to the house that they lived in.'Somebody' else's stayed there and wasn't too happy when they moved in.

I didn't really believe in supernatural, although I knew it existed.And as a Muslim we believed that such thing does exist.The 'holy man' advised to keep on reading the Quran hoping that whoever stayed there will go away.

Open up my eyes

Yesterday morning Fa called and ask me to accompany them to Tangerang for WJ's therapy massage.When they came over to pick me up, WJ's was already in the car covered with blankets.Her head still hurts and at that point I'm not sure if she able to handle the journey.From our place to Tangerang is about an hour drive and that is there is no 'machet' (traffic jam).But we finally arrived, Alhamdulillah although she did vomited twice.

He was a Chinese man and from what Fa told me,he is good in getting the spine back in order.When he lightly touched WJ's toes, she shouted in pain.I felt so sorry for her.I couldn't imagine if it was me ...I would be crying non-stop.WJ was pleading for the man to stop and her face was twitching and her eyes fluttering...Ya Allah...please spare her from this pain..Ya Allah!There is nothing I could do except to motivate and consoled her.I knew she was deeply in pain and her head are burning.

When we came back its already 1 pm.We put her to bed ,changed and feed her.I went back home for a while.KY had already gone for training.Guess, my husband will be eating at the training ground.Did my Dzuhur prayers and rest for a while thinking what to cook for KY for diner time.Right after my Asar prayers, Dani came and pick me up to WJ's place.Her kids just came back from school and do a bit of monitoring on their homework.Check into WJ's condition and by Maghrib I'm already back home to cook.

Me and KY had dinner while I posted him on WJ's progress and by 9 pm we are already asleep.I held KY, crying softly...things that happen had opened up my eyes.

Keep strong and be strong

Back to Jakarta.

Prof said that I had only 2 follicles and they have to stop the IVF for this round.I was disappointed and sad.I thought that it would be a smooth sailing but it wasn't.Next plan was to give a month rest and continue after my Feb's period.This time would be a different twist.Would be on Gonal F on my 2nd days of menses.

I had to control my tears when Mama asked how it goes at the hospital.I don't want her to feel sad for me and neither anyone else.

So here I am back to home.To see KY again was a bit consoling.At least I don't have to answer everybody back home.KY said that WJ's health is deteriorating.Although she already woken up she still on drips and painkiller.The moment I touchdown Soekarno Airport, went straight to the hospital.The moment she saw me we cried.So sad to see her like this.Her body had shrunk and she couldn't feel her right side of her body.She kept on crying and wanting to go home.KY told me that Fa trying to get her out of the hospital by tomorrow (Saturday).

WJ was discharged the day after.We kept giving her food and she kept throwing up.Because of the pain , her speech became slurred.Ya Allah, make her feel better...Ya Allah! By seeing her in this stage makes you cry, I cant imagine how she feel.

Mum's the word

I had the most amazing Moms in the world.

I am lucky I had 4 moms (including MIL) and 3 dads whom I deeply loved.My real Mom whom I called Mama spoilt me to bits the whole time I'm home.She would fussed over me and make sure that I eat and had enough rest.I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH .Mashallah walhamdulillah.

Tomorrow will be my next appointment at 830 am.I'm due to scan and blood test.I hope that my follicle will have more than 5.The last scan I had,there are no follicles so Prof had to increase the dosage to 375iu.And still have to take Suprefact in the morning.I was joking with Ana the other day that people might mistaken me for a drug addict because of the piercing around my navel.

I was at Mama's house on Friday.How I wish I was at my own home, nothing beats having your own stuff around you.Saturday morning Mama wanted to eat out for breakfast but was too lazy to go out.Stayed home whole day and watch HBO.Mama & Ayah had dinner appointment that night and only after that we went out for late supper.Sunday morning, we went out for breakfast and to Courts and Ikea after that. I was contemplating to buy the slim PSP ...should I or should I not? I know if I were to ask KY he definitely go against me buying.Cuzzies came around Mama's house late afternoon.We had a blast watching the New Year's video...which I wasn't there when they had the bar-b-q.

Oh! I had a terrible news yesterday ,KY called to informed that WJ was admitted to hospital and was being given drips.When I came back from Jkt, she was sick..Its her nerve giving her problem again.But its been a week and she still have not recovered.And its been 4 days she didn't eat.She had MRI this morning and still waiting for result.I hope its nothing serious.But I sincerely felt that she should come back Singapore for treatment since her doctor had her medical history here.We can only pray to Allah that she will recover soon.Insya' Allah!

P/S The Clark shoes that I was eyeing? It doesn't have my size!Went to TM, Orchard and everywhere...they actually don't have it in my size!Now I'm in a look-out for a comfortable walking shoe! No crocs please!